you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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