we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
