I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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