I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
