dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
COCAINE IS GR8
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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