girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
