what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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