I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
