Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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