Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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