I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
