She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
