i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
