I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
