I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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