bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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