you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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