That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
