i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
