she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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