i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My vagina just clenched in fear
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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