You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
