My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
