...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
