She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Couch. On fire.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
