I never want to see another naked old woman again.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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