Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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