I think I won the penis lottery.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
