What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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