She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
