Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
