Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
