Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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