he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
