A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
