he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
