Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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