I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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