So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
