her vagine was all disorganized.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
