Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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