My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
