If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
