Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you will always have a special place in my vag
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
