i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
