I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
