i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
