I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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