Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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