Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
